Anonymous said: How do you have such self control? I am glad your buddy was there for you.
I am glad he was there for me, too.
I don’t know how to even define self-control, or if I even had any in the situation—and I have been thinking about what happened almost obsessively since it happened. All I know is that the anger/violence that was inside of me and starting to come out was dangerous and reckless and even though I felt[and continue to feel] that my indignation was somewhat justified, there wasn’t anything good that would have come from the violence bubbling up and out of me.
One thing I was very aware of and is part of what I have been playing over and over again in my head is this –- Mellow Pages Library is a very important space for me and countless others. Someone like me—a person who spends his time there, volunteering, helping out, trying to help the community grow—snapping and loosing the violence inside of me would have tainted the space. It would have ruined everything. Who would want to come hang out in a space where a veteran lost his shit and hurt someone? Of course the person was out of line or pushing an agenda, but that’s on them and their system of beliefs. My system of beliefs is different. Violence doesn’t teach. Violence doesn’t serve anyone. Violence is just what it is—an acting out meant to inflict pain AND control over a situation.
I should have walked away or asked the person to leave. Period. I violated that person’s space by getting bigger and louder and trying to drown out his hatespeech with the threat of my violence. That serves no purpose.
One thing I forgot and it makes me sad that I did is this—
A faultless person is one who withdraws from affairs. This must be done with strength.
—which is from The Hagakure, and something I need to remind myself of every day.